An Understanding...

My daughter, Grace passed away in September 2010. There wasn’t an obituary. There wasn’t a funeral. There wasn’t a casket or even a body to put in one. No one sent me sympathy cards. No one brought me casseroles. This wasn’t because no one cared; it was because my child is still alive.
When my daughter came out to me as transgender I was driven by fear. I feared my child would kill herself if she couldn’t begin her transition from my daughter to my son. That fear and longing to save my child overtook anything else. I forged into a new life and helped her transition. I didn’t expect to feel such grief. C.S. Lewis said: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
I had to put away all of the girl pictures. I had to get rid of any sign that Grace ever existed. I had to remember to call my child the name that she chose: Chris. I had to replace she with he. I had to start calling who I thought was my daughter my son.
I distinctly remember crying one Saturday afternoon in bed mourning the loss of my daughter. Grace came in and hugged me and said, “Mom, if this is going to be so hard for you I won’t do it.” I looked in her eyes and saw such fear. I knew in her heart she needed to transition to alleviate her pain. She was willing to keep going through that pain to spare me pain. I thought what a great kid I had and how her heart and soul were what I loved not her gender.  I then said, “No, I know you need to do this and I’ll be ok just give me time.” She looked so relieved and said “Thanks, mom and we’ll get you help too.”
Grace slept in bed with me that night. When we awoke I found her staring at me so pensively. I said, “What are you thinking about?” She said, “You have a really big nose.” I burst out laughing and so did she. She and I had always used humor to get through life, and I needed it now more than ever. I realized that my child would be the same honest, wisecracking kid I grew to know and love no matter what the gender. I knew it my heart we would both be ok.
My grief lessened over time as I saw my child blossom when transitioning to my son, Chris. He became happier and had a confidence I hadn’t ever seen. He and I formed a closeness that I hadn’t anticipated.
I need parents out there of transgender children to know they are not alone. They need to know feeling grief is a very real and normal part of the process. They need to know that it really does get much better.
I moderate a private Facebook group for parents/family of transgender kids (young and grown) we now have 170 members across the whole world. It’s a very supportive group that has helped me immensely.

Grace is gone but Chris is very much alive. I am grateful every day that he is my son, and that I was lucky enough to be chosen to be his mom. It is an honor that I cherish.
There wasn’t an obituary  instead there was a birth announcement. I gave birth to my child again but this time in the correct gender.
Until next time.

Mary J. Moss
Feisty single mom to a terrific 14 year old boy who just happens to be transgender


Founding member of New York Citizens for Transgender Rights (NYCTR) https://www.facebook.com/pages/New-York-Citizens-for-Transgender-Rights-NYCTR/102338483283522 and http://www.affirmingtransgenderrights.com/